High anxiety

..simple,
but in any case I’m generally pleased with the result. It seems that a
lot of second-guessing has been replaced with an instinctive but apparently
reliable certainty about what is required and how to get it. I don’t know
if it’s a style exactly, but it’s a good starting point. No thought
yet as to whether there’s a market out there for whatever it is that I’m
on to, but that I might have happened on the equivalent of a style is reassuring.

I was driving up to the local pizza joint (never again!) when I heard Someone
to Watch Over Me sung by Ella Fitzgerald on the radio and it evoked so
many emotions that I almost had to stop the van and calm my beating heart.
I suppose it’s natural that I question what it is that I think I’m
doing with my chosen career. I can’t justify any aspect of it with the
halo of mass endorsement, but my small band of admirers is almost enough on
its own to encourage one last musical foray/folly, as unlikely as it might seem
at my age.
It’s not that I don’t have anything simmering, but until just now
I haven’t really felt moved to do something, well, new. I don’t
really think that it’s something you can actually plan. The first rule
has always been to express myself to my own satisfaction, but when you’re
young you automatically have a young audience whom you to certain extent represent
with whatever it is you choose to say.
Now that we’re all considerably older I feel that I’m more confused
than ever as an artist – and a person for that matter. What is generally perceived
as the ‘market’ for self-produced music is only tangible when you
produce something that touches something in it that’s utterly intangible,
so the only certainty is that there are no certainties.
That I’m enjoying making music again in my happy little studio is something
of a personal quantum leap and I should probably not interrogate it and just
get on with it without worrying where it might take me.
It’s not that nobody cares, but I know those with a ‘professional’
interest want a much more dedicated approach with a particular and proven market
in mind. I don’t mind so much reproducing live versions of old recorded
material, but the thought of mining that genre again with ‘new’
material seems a waste of everybody’s time, even if it has the whiff of
an old romance attached. I’ve always said that I’m grateful not
to be trapped in a web of multiple hit records and that’s still sort-of
true. It’s also true that I’d like to make a reconnection with what’s
real to me now and I guess that’s the predicament.
The decision could well be taken out of my well sat-on hands. I’ve only
got one reliable ear and any excursions into even modest loudness are rewarded
with days of ringing tinnitus. It’s tedious enough getting round the problem
on the live stage, but in the studio it’s just damned disappointing. I’ve
never been a reader, so I actually have to hear the recorded result to know
what you should be hearing. I can see that being the primary issue
all too soon.
And then there’s just my health in general. Oh well, being philosophical
will just have to be my philosophy. I do love music a lot and it’s given
me a lifetime of enjoyment. Let’s hope we can continue the journey together
for just a little bit longer.