Sporting News

..it
couldn’t win under the old coach and team it wasn’t going to let
anyone win.
Previous captains, victims of a diverse inflictions ranging from a herniated
cerebellum to trench mouth, gave their unwanted and irrelevant opinions. Books
written by previous chairman’s wives that were fulsome in the praise of
their husband’s genius in winning previous premierships, appeared coincidentally
in the weeks before the Grand Final.
News Limited continued to back the rival Liberal Roosters into unbeatable odds
with their new sponsor the Australian mining industry and its off-shore owners.
The recently appointed Captain of the Liberals, known for appearing in public
clad only in Speedos with a small gherkin stuffed down the front, said that
they would, ”Do really good but”.
Several small, fat and mentally-deficient players, hidden behind his large and
glowing ears, were believed to have nodded, a physical feat that had taken hours
of careful coaching.
Other members of the Roosters, normally seen in black uniforms and fish-net
stockings, have been locked in a closet for the duration.
Rupert “Digger” Murdoch, a citizen of the United States and owner
of News Corporation, announced that the competition will work under new rules
for the Grand Final to be held in August.
Rule One:
No competitor is allowed to speak in any thing other than carefully orchestrated,
audience tested, meaningless clichés. The award winner to date is, “We
will go forward, and we will go forward together”. “You can’t
trust the bastards” has been disqualified as being applicable to both
teams and as having been used by a team that has dropped out of the competition.
Rule Two:
Play the man not the ball. Players are awarded points for fouls off the ball
and will not be penalised, but video of the incidents will be shown repeatedly
during news break
Rule Three:
Appearing on the front cover of No Idea is worth an unconverted try.
Rule Four:
Strategic issues such as the prospect of playing fields resembling the Simpson
Desert or the Coral Sea will not be addressed. They will either be ignored or
be regarded as matters of suspicion because the British Bureau of Meteorology
won’t release weather data from the sixteenth century.
Rule Five:
All penalties will be decided by a randomly selected council of one hundred
and fifty citizens who know nothing about the sport but who will be truly representative.
Rule Six:
Should there be a strategic debate between the captains it will avoid any mention
of any matters of importance. Company debt, franchise ownership and whose is
playing with the spare change in the back pocket will not be mentioned. There
will be deep and meaningful questions about both the dress sense and real and
imaginary children. Non-putative children will be the basis of a new Junior
League to be called “One for the country”.
Rule Seven
Players from the Specific and Final Solution team are to become the Nauru and
Christmas Island franchise before being taken out to sea and sunk by the Navy.
There is doubt if there are sufficient numbers to form a full team
Rule Eight
Spectators are not to be woken and fans are to be encouraged to sleep through
the run-up to the Grand Final. The slogan “Don’t you worry about
that” may make a reappearance.
Rules Nine and Ten
These will be improvised according to what is both expedient and minimises the
time between commercial breaks and the end of the program.
The economics of the competition will remain in the hands of the BigMac banking
organisation that was recently bailed out by Labor Storm using money left over
from the Universal Spectator levy. It is apparent that they know best as no-one
can understand what they have done in the past, but it is agreed that it must
be good as they all make lots of money for themselves at the expense of their
clients. The bankrupt Widows and Pensioners fund will be wound up, collateralised
debt obligations will be dealt with by the Bomb Squad, and the building industry
will be restructure so as to be shockingly insulated from reality.

The worry is that we deserve this.