Team building

..area
of expertise whose utility in the context if the universe is on a par with the
politicians and the clergy. It justifies its existence through largely demeaning
activities designed to engender a sense of feigned happiness, whilst disguising
that its role is to extract the maximum amount of work with the minimum amount
of financial compensation. It sees itself as the human face of capitalism
It wants us all to simultaneously sing from the same hymn sheet, but think outside
the box by picking the low hanging fruit whilst maximizing shareholder value.
Once there was a Pay Office staffed by two large and mature ladies with light
brown moustaches. They were supervised by a tight-lipped accountant with rolled
up sleeves held in place by expanding metal bands. These formidable ladies walked
around the office at weekly intervals with a trolley bearing small brown envelopes
with your name on it containing real notes and coins of the realm. You knew
you were getting paid. It weighed something. It was tangible.
Human resource departments are the source of such terms as ‘sensitive
outplacement’, where firing you is actually a personal benefit. You will
be able to find a job that is more in keeping with your skills, take a lower
salary, and wonder what to do with any entitlements that you might have earned
from years of dedication to the company. They delight that they have increased
your capacity to bear humiliation and disappointment -though not deal with your
mortgage.
They have also given us such things as ‘Expectation Management’,
which is a
“Formal process to continuously capture, document, and maintain the content,
dependencies, and sureness of the expectations for persons participating in
an interaction, and to apply the information to make the interaction successful.“
There is a universe where this means something to somebody.
These events are made even more unbearable by ‘team building exercises’.
Now I am not naturally a team player, a fact that various football teams and
the army can testify to, so I find these ‘we-are-all-in this-together-jolly-hockey
stick’ activities particularly painful, demeaning and irrelevant. Your
idea of fun might be running around a city collecting bits of flim-flam, solving
team puzzles and constructing racing chariots made out of two wheels, three
poles and two metres of gaffer tape in the space of 45 minutes and 37 seconds.
It isn’t mine, and I feel that those who do probably vote for people that
I don’t care for, molest small animals, and are obvious prey for the next
religious or political mania to sweep the land.
Recently I reluctantly attended another ‘love-in’ at the Sydney
Hilton next to a room full of medical types conferencing on the Hepatitis alphabet.
However, there was something new. The previous week it was mandated that fill
out a questionnaire. So, late one night, armed with several very large gin and
tonics, I raced through over one hundred questions that were extraordinarily
similar in tone and content to every one of these investigations into the human
psyche that I have ever done before.
It claimed to tell me what my basic personality is, the real me underneath all
the persiflage and disguise that many decades in the company of the unwashed,
the afflicted and the uninformed have compelled me to adopt.
Now while the results have the amiable vagueness of the average horoscope perhaps
this is the real me.
· You can be very stubborn and independent but people may not see this
as you try to avoid arguments and go your own way without consulting others.
As a result you are likely to appear to back down but then to carry on your
own way.
· Your strength lies in your enthusiasm for innovation and change and
achieving things through a team effort. However you tend to see the team more
as providing a vehicle for achievement and not really as a joiner. Some may
see you as distant and hard to get to know.
· You have a concerned and well-meaning style but you may appear somewhat
critical and quick to speak your mind. As a result people may not feel that
you are very supportive of them and can be quite harsh in your judgment
· You have a very laid back and permissive approach to life. Your freedom
is very important to you and you prefer not to impose rules and regulations
on others. You are generally free thinking and unconcerned by details. Some
people may feel your approach is rather too unstructured with insufficient attention
to detail and planning.
· You have a fairly volatile style tending to react to events which occur
on an emotional rather than a rational level. Things do seem to get to you and
you clearly have quite strong changes in mood. These changes may not be apparent
to other people but are certainly real to you. As a result you may seem to take
a negative or pessimistic view of things and find it hard to see on the bright
side. Others will see you as interesting or even exciting but somewhat changeable
and inconsistent.
We have all been warned.